Mind Bleps and Brain Farts

Trying to churn out a blog post to keep this website alive.  It has been all of 5-6 months since I wrote last, and GUESS WHAT GUYS.

I am still unemployed.

I am still in therapy.

I am still fucking depressed. I am still chronically anxious.

That is pretty much the only thing that has stayed the same since May, a lot has happened since then – but this post isn’t really about that.

This is my mind blep post.

I am currently listening to a Spotify playlist titled Creativity Boost, which is doing anything but – it is one of those very very indie playlists that is 100% succeeding in spacing me out, and exactly 0% succeeding in making me creative.

Have you ever dissociated? And I mean involuntarily. Not the kind when you’re at utter peace and the world is beautiful around you, and the wind is gentle against your hair and the sunlight is on your face and…

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How did we get here?

I mean the involuntary kinds, when someone is talking to you seriously about something and your body shuts down and you astral project yourself to the other side of the room to get away from it all. When you stare into space at 11:30am and you blink and it is 1:15 pm. Or the opposite, when you stare into space at 11:30am and an hour later it is 11:35am.

It is scary af. I have missed bustops, whole minutes of movies, huge chunks of conversations and um, lets just say, important highs in life. I have been spacing out this entire week in a bid to not have to deal with the fact that everyone is at work and I’m not.

The job-hunting process is an absolute nightmare. I know I have the skills, I know I want that job so badly, and yet I am unable to articulate this fact. I look at a job description and think to myself, Hey I have all these skills, I can do this job, and then my brain decides to shut down at the cover letter writing process.

I have lost track of just how many jobs I have applied for in the past 3 months. It has been easily in the hundreds – and I have not gotten any pay-off for it. It is Exhausting. I hate having to prove that I am, in fact, useful. It shouldn’t be like this. I am useful, I am employable, I is smart, I is kind, I is important, right?

 

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I am currently watching a show called The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It is, as the name suggests, about a haunted house, but it is far more than that. It is a story about grief, loss, and trauma. I love the slow exposition (I am a huge advocate for Show, Don’t Tell – and this show does that really well), the cinematography (Long takes, wide angle shots, and pans that build anticipation; this show has very few jump scares, but builds up anticipation that keeps you on your toes at all times), and also, Michal Huisman (for the uninitiated – Daario Nahaaris – there’s your incentive to watch it)

I am also really really gay for the middle sister (played by Kate Siegel).

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Theo Crain is bae, and I will fight you on this.

Never thought a horror show would keep me hooked so truly that I can actually watch it at midnight, alone, in my room.

To end this post off, a few quick things –

I did a lot, and I mean a lot of travelling this year (Kuwait, Japan, The Netherlands, France, Switzerland, Austria, India) – more on that later, I hope.

I am doing an UI/UX course on Coursera – trying to convince myself that my days are in fact, productive.

Inktober is exhausting and I’m behind (Follow them on my Instagram).

I haven’t watched a movie in a while.

I have changed my antidepressants and my therapists and It is so fucking expensive, but very very effective.

I am dealing with a significant paradigm shift in my relationships; *Draco voice* My therapists are hearing about this. It is equal parts glorious and disastrous.

And finally, this playlist hasn’t ended and I have spaced out again. (It could be going in a loop, I wouldn’t know)

Stay safe nerds, till next time.

x

 

 

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