I haven’t written in ages I see. That’s usually because it only takes something inflammatory to get me off my ass and to a device to start typing. However, I realised that I really should write more, and therefore I am trying to write more.
Last week was pretty bad for my mental health. Why? I really don’t know. It’s probably a great fault on my part for not be able to sit back and identify potential triggers to my depressive state; I need to specifically catalogue them. Anyhow, I had a major depressive episode and long story short, I was not ok.
This time however, I was not only exhausted after it; I was also angry. I have been letting my mental health take control of me for ages and I need to learn to control it a bit. I made a few decisions. I have decided to actively track my mental health – possibly through bullet journaling, or a diary. I also decided to get off social media for a bit. Because I am weak, I merely deleted my social media apps on my phone, to prevent me from random mindless scrolling.
This was a pretty big decision on my part and there are several reasons for it-
1. It was making me miserable. Scrolling down my newsfeed(s) I would see people travelling/enjoying themselves/getting married/generally getting their shit together. I mean, good for them of course, but my brain kept comparing me to them and although I know that social media is only a facade that gives people the illusion of “shit-togetherness”, it was overall just making me wallow in self pity.
2. I was wasting so much time on it. The liminal spaces (it’s a theatre term that means in-betweenness) – on public transport/ sitting at my desk/ sitting on my bed – were all being taken up by mindless scrolling that only sought to aggravate my already dissociated state.
3. To add on to point 2 – I was just not getting anything useful done – this added to my feelings of hopelessness and depersonalization; overall I was just a mess. Also, eyes, back and neck pains because I am 22 going on 80.
How has this helped? Well I’m glad you asked, imaginary engaging reader. I will tell you how it has helped.
1. I am actually much calmer now; it’s only been like 5 days but I am already less stressed and more accepting of my position in this world. Although I’d love to see where people have been travelling to and the kind of wonderful creativity they are dishing out, it’s just too exhausting to be looking at the number of things I could be doing, but am not.
2. The alternatives are way more stimulating. I read now. I listen to podcasts. I do Quiz Up. I look through Pinterest. In this time I’ve learnt so many new things that I would normally not have ventured into with my social media just constantly distracting me.
3. It’s liberating to not be so accessible; I don’t have a reason, it just is.
So there you go, this is what I’ve been up to. Also improv, a lot of improv.
Much love x